I've been a prolific rambler all my life. I've kept a diary since the age of 10, and never really stopped recording my ramblings.
This is one that I wrote at a painful time during my grief journey. I wanted to share because it's just full of honesty, and pain. 8 years on, it can be hard to recall the raw pain that has been felt in the past, but my past ramblings are always there as the reminder of how grief changed my life.
A message to my friends
I don't tell you for pity. I tell you for understanding, I tell you so they may understand why I'm so defensive, so protective over myself and my feelings, and protective over my heart. I tell you because I want you to understand how being "me" feels.
I don't want or need sympathy. I am desperately seeking your understanding, kindness and empathy.
Imagine your world without the person you love. Imagine waking up to find them not there, imagine the rubbish day at work and having no one to come home and tell, imagine being ill and having no one to make you feel better, no one to stroke your hair and tell you you'll be ok. Imagine being a grandma, and not having grandpa to share the joy with. Imagine finally landing your dream job, and you guessed it, no one to tell.
This is real. Being a widow is real. We all manage to downplay it and cope and get through each day, but my friends, you have no damn idea how hard it is to be without the person I wanted to keep forever.
My life feels like a nightmare, day after day I'm waking up wishing he was here. I am alone and lonely, and sad. I want you to spend some time with me. Just every now and then, so I've got something to look forward to. I want you to keep in touch, and to keep inviting me to things, even if I say no. At least then, I know you're still thinking of me, and I need that connection.
You've mostly all stopped commenting on any posts I write about him now. It hurts. I miss him, I am keeping him alive with memories, and my pain I share here is real. It's an attempt to try and ease the pain. The pain can be overwhelming sometimes and I just need you to make me feel OK, and not make me feel bad for hurting. You might think I should be over it, that I should stop "allowing" the grief to occupy my thoughts, but that will never happen. He will be in my thoughts until that very last breath I take.
I hope you don't ever have to feel this, because you'd be broken too, in the way I am. I'm mending, very slowly, but I need the love of my friends to help me.
Please, be there for me. I need you.