Anger


I've kept a diary since I was 11, and now, just keep a line a day one in a five year diary instead.


I guess in many ways, writing on my facebook page has been my diary.


Being able to place my tangled ramblings somewhere other than in my head has been the most amazing therapy ever, and I really feel writing has been the thing that's helped me through my grief journey.



When I read back through my diary, the one thing I have really noticed is just how angry I was when he first died. I was angry with the medical profession for their negligence, angry with his family for not being round for him when he needed them, and his friends for just forgetting he existed because he could no longer join the boy's nights out on the beer, and with myself. For not being with him when he died, for leaving him alone when he most needed me. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for that, truly. It's a pain I don't want to bear, but I have no idea how to get rid of it.


I was angry that I fell out with his entire family over the weeks after his funeral. There are bits I regret, as I know I did things in anger, but a lot of it, I am glad I made the decisions and choices I did. Every single thing I did was for him, their son, their brother, their uncle, their nephew, their grandchild, their friend. He deserved better than that. He deserved their love and support. He deserved to feel that he mattered, and that they cared for him.


I used to feel bad for being such an angry ball of rage, but when I first came across this meme, it made me sigh such a breath of relief. I had never thought for one second that this anger was just my grief dressed up in a fiery red coat.


So when you feel anger, don't beat yourself up about it - know that it's a normal and healthy part of the grieving process, and you're allowed to feel cross, angry, mad, aggrieved - you've been robbed of your future, be kind to yourself.

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