Because It Mattered

John Green is a wonderful writer. He has written about death and grief in many of his books, but this quote is one of my favourite.

"It hurt because it mattered".

The first loss I experienced in my life was 2 grandparents due to old age at age 11 and 12, then a cousin to drug overdose when I was 11, my cousin's husband (she was more like a sister) to suicide when I was 16.

My amazing friend died of Ewing's Sarcoma when he was just 21, I was 25 when this happened. I then lost a beautiful kitty to a road traffic accident, and 2 months later, an aunt to cancer, age 26.

All of these deaths were sad, but very few left a lasting mark. I still cry when I think about my beautiful kitty being hit by a car, and the death of my amazing friend Rich who dealt with death face on, and always believed he would outsmart it. He didn't. He died in my arms watching Mamma Mia the film, we were due to go and see the musical in the West End the following evening.

My point is that none of these deaths felt anywhere near as painful as the death of my husband. Why would it though? On a plain scale of 1 - 10, I thought the death of my cat and my friend was a 10 until I experienced the death of my husband. I'd place that at 1,000,000 if I could.

It hurt so much because it mattered. He was part of every moment of my day from the moment I woke, to the moment I fell asleep. There is nothing that would compare. He was my world, and everything that rotated in that space in between.

I do feel a weird perverse sense of comfort in the fact it really hurts, because it means I loved him and feel the loss of him daily.

It does hurt because it mattered. He was my world. Now he's the bright star in the sky, proving that even darkness is beautiful. Grief is definitely the price you pay for true love.

I love you always my darling boy.

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