This is so true. I never realised how terrifying grief felt. I expected to feel sad, angry, alone, all those things were expected.
What I never anticipated was the feeling of fear. I was afraid of my own mortality, that of my family. I thought about it constantly, every cough and sniffle worried the pants off me, my Dr was so kind and supportive but it drove me to distraction.
I was afraid of being alone. I still am, most of the time. I am terrified of dying alone, without anyone to stand at my grave and say I was a good person.
I felt lost. I had no idea who I was anymore. The concept of me was alien, I'd been part of a "we" for so long in my life, that I felt like a boat with no mooring, just drifting out to sea, being crashed by the waves with the constant threat of being capsized or drowned, knowing I didn't have the strength to swim. It was an awful feeling.
It's such an intense feeling of vulnerability.
I'm now financially responsible for all the bills, and the mortgage. I manage, but I am terrified of the thought of being in a position when I can't manage.
It got so bad that I had to get counselling and go to the Dr for medication. I needed support to help put me back in control of my life, and my thoughts and feelings. I need to have coping mechanisms to deal with these feelings of fear and being vulnerable.
Grief is such a learning curve, you never know what it's going to throw at you next.
When I look back, I can see how far I've come, but it's so hard to recognise it when all you feel is the cold shroud of fear hanging over everything you think, feel, see and do.
Be kind to yourself, this journey is not easy, somehow we need to find a way to be own cheerleaders.