Guilty, As Charged?

Guilt. That's been one of the biggest, worst and most horrible parts of the grief journey. It is not something I thought would ever happen after he died.

Did I do enough? Did he know I loved him? Did he know I was with him before he died? Did he feel scared because I wasn't with him when he slipped away, does he hate me?

Does he know I've spent so many days crying for him, crying because he's lost to me?

I have carried the guilt for what feels like an eternity. I sometimes wonder if I'll carry it forever. There are days when I don't, there are days when I do. There are days the guilt washes over me like a massive tidal wave that just knocks me for six, and makes me feel I'm the worst human being ever.

I feel guilt because I laugh, because I smile, because I find pleasure in life sometimes. I feel guilty because sometimes, I want to be happy again. I feel guilty because I want someone to walk into my life and make me feel happy, and complete, and human, and most importantly, loved.

I feel guilt because I cannot recall his smile without the aid of a photo, I cannot hear him laughing, I cannot remember his smell, I cannot remember how his voice sounded. It is horrible, yet my life does go on.

This needs to stop.

In my heart, I know that I was the one he could rely on. The one he could always depend on. I was the one who mopped his tears, fielded his anger, held his hand, sat forever in hospital appointments with him. When I took my wedding vows, in sickness and in health - how totally bloody true. I stood at that boys side forever and held his hand through every dark time he had. We had tough times - we argued, we had some really dark and difficult times, but we always worked through them. Together. I have nothing to feel guilty about. I just need to remember that.

So if you are feeling guilt, try to stop. Try to recall the amazing ways you loved and supported your loved one.

Remember you were there for them, when others may not have been. It is bad enough you have lost them, PLEASE don't beat yourself up any more like I did. It took me ages to realise that, I just wish I realised sooner.

He was loved more than anything.

Be kind to yourself today.

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