I'm A Believer


There is a wonderful quote from the film, Good Will Hunting:


"Some people can't believe in themselves until someone believes in them first".


This is one of the things I really miss about my husband. He was the one person in the world who utterly believed in me. He always said the only person who didn't believe in me, was me, and he was right, I didn't.


He was always encouraging me to be braver, to do things I was scared of - to travel, get a tattoo, eat food I'd never tried, leave jobs I wasn't happy in, to go for that promotion, to stand up for myself, really push me outside of every comfort zone I ever had, and most of the time I pushed back, I was just scared.


When he died, I looked back at many of the things I'd pushed back on, and really regretted it. I wished we'd taken that holiday to USA together, I was scared to go as it's a huge place and I was scared I would get panic attacks. I wished I'd got the tattoo I wanted instead of chickening out, he got one on his own instead. The list was endless, and I was so full of regrets.


So, I decided the only way to rebalance this was to do these things. I went to USA on my own, and loved every single second of it. I had that tattoo I wanted and loved it so much that I ended up getting 3 others (!) I was always too scared to climb to the top of St Paul's Cathedral with him, but I did this too when he died (but did freeze when I got to the top and had to get help from the guard at the top to coax me down...!)


They will always believe in us, and though he's no longer at my side physically, he's sometimes in my head, if that makes sense, and when I'm thinking about things, I know what he'd be thinking, or what he'd say. I'd hear his words and his voice guiding me.


My very rambling thoughts are just really to say this. We should believe in ourselves just like that did, and always will do.


All the things that scare us, we can do those things, because we've done the scariest thing ever. We have lived after someone we loved dearly has died. That's strength, that's courage, that's bravery, right THERE.


Be that person to believe in you.

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