On My Own

This was a post I wrote on my page, The Reluctant Widow, on Facebook, and I wanted to share because it was such an awful experience. If you have had them too, I hope it helps you to feel less alone.

I walk out of the house, step into the car beside you. We're going on an adventure you say to me, with a big cheeky smile on your face. Oh, here we go, you're up to your usual mischief aren't you ? 😀

You turned to look at me, your gorgeous blue eyes sparkling, I can smell your aftershave and I inhale deeply. I just love the fact that you always smell amazing.

We drive off slowly and I ask you where we're headed. You laugh loudly, I can see the laughter lines all over your face, and you're absolutely delighted that I am so puzzled and want to know where we're going but you refused to tell me.

As you concentrate on your driving, I sneak a little sidewards glance at you. I always forget how gorgeous you are, those beautiful eyes that light up every time you smile. Dammit you're amazing Mr. My Mr.

We drive for about an hour, and we chat, the usual stuff, nothing exciting, just I use your cheeky banter. You pull over at the side of a small road, and you ask me, do you trust me? I turn to look at your face, and you have the biggest smirk.

Oh God I think to myself what has he got planned?! Just you they always have and I always will. Yes I reply of course I trust you. So you tell me to close my eyes as you wrap your scarf all around my face with absolutely no style or finesse whatsoever! I'm not an Egyptian mummy, I announce. Don't ever become a nurse, your bandaging skills suck!

I hear you laugh loudly and I smile from my head to my feet. I hear my car door open, and I feel your hands on my shoulders and I feel your lips kiss my head gently. Come on! you say loudly, taking my hands in yours as you gently guide me. It feels like we walked for hours but the reality is that we walked for a few minutes, you laughing as I trip over stones and stumble in my usual ridiculous clumsy fashion. I protest loudly as you mock me for having two left feet but it's part of our banter, and I love it.

All of a sudden you tell me to stop, pause and I wait. You tell me to wait there for just one moment and I hear your footsteps fall away from me. A short while later, you come back and I can hear in your voice that you're smiling.

It's something I've always loved about you, your voice is just beautiful to me. You tell me to sit down. I have no idea whatsoever what I'm about to sit down on but I find the ground is hard underneath me but there is a blanket or something soft underneath my knees. You tell me to close my eyes remove the scarf, and you tell me to open my eyes.

On the ground before me is a picnic. Not just any old picnic. A picnic full of all of my favourite foods and you even remembered to bring black olives and not green olives. I stare in wonder at the wonderful food before me, then at your face. You're beaming from ear to ear.

Beside us is a beautiful small waterfall. I've never been here before and it's absolutely beautiful and I'm so happy that I'm getting to share this moment with you.

My love. My life. I reach out my arms to you and thank you wholeheartedly. I pull you closer for a hug, all this, it's just amazing. I wrap my arms around you tightly. I can smell your aftershave. Your face is so warm and it feels so familiar to me. My arms are wrapped around you tightly and I pull you in tighter for a hug and tighter and tighter and tighter….

Until all of a sudden feels like I'm hugging air.

I'm confused.

Where are you.

Just one moment ago you were there and now you're not. I open my eyes to look for you see you. I stand and I stumble.

Desperately searching everywhere around me.

Looking for you.

Are you hiding. I can feel my breathing grow rapid. I call your name.

No reply.

I call your name again and you still don't answer me. I start to run around, trying to find you and you’re just not there.

You're just not there.

I scream your name.

There is nothing.

There is darkness and I cannot see.

I'm woken by the sounds of my own screams. It's your name on my lips. It was all a terrible terrible dream.

I never dream. And all the dreams I would have wished for today this most definitely was not it.

Had to post this, I just needed to clear this from my memory bank because I'm sat here shaking and crying hot bitter tears as I type.

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