I am not religious in the slightest. I don't know what I believe in terms of what happens after death. There is part of me that is very scared to think about things like this because it was hard enough learning to live with his death, never mind having to contemplate anything other than him being at my side and living life with me.
Instead, I live life for us both now.
That may sound silly, but it became very important for me from a very early stage of dealing with the loss. I wanted to do things to make him proud. I went to places we'd not been to as a couple, but had planned to. I went to places we'd been together to find comfort. What I didn't do, until a few years on, was to live life for me. I do things because I want to, not because I feel a debt to him, or a sense of duty.
These things are mostly travel related. I've travelled to places that I've always wanted to visit, and I really feel that he'd be incredibly proud of me for doing this.
It almost felt like I was living his life for him, if that makes sense. I went to places he wanted to go, places that were "ours". I went to places that felt safe, and brought comfort, and were full of memories.
He was a risk taker, my boy. Before we met, he was always going to new places, travelling the world, taking in every ounce of culture and experiencing all the excitement that travelling can bring. He wouldn't want me to stay safe, he'd want me to push myself out of my comfort zone, so that's exactly what I did.
It's the one thing I am most proud of, travelling the world alone, with him tucked safely in my heart as I went. He is always with me, watching over, and I know he'd be smiling down at me, enjoying my adventures too.
He will always be watching. He'd be too afraid to take his eyes off me, never knowing what adventure I'd find next :)
Love you always, darling boy.