I've just come out of the drs surgery.
I went to collect a repeat prescription, and while in there, saw someone I used to be good friends with, but after the death of hubby, she backed off, and I didn't really see much of her. No issues with that, as life goes on.
She came and sat next to me, with a head tilt. Oh how are you", hand on my knee, sad look on her face. "Yes, all fine" I reply. "Oh really, you're sat in the drs?" she added, clearly prying. "No, all good, just here to collect a prescription". Actually for a long term ankle injury, so nothing for depression or anything, like she clearly thought.
She launched into a big monologue about how amazing I was, and why had this had to happen to me, you're a lovely person, you don't deserve this, why you, why not someone else. This should never have happened to you... You must feel so sad, so alone, oh why you?I just stopped hearing the words, and just heard blah, blah, blah, blah.
Whoah, hold on there. Stop. Now.
Happen to ME?
I don't think so, If this happened to anyone, it's my husband.
I have never been the person to say "poor me" because if anyone has the rough deal here, I think my husband gets the trump card. The one thing you will NEVER see me write, is, why did this happen to me. It absolutely didn't. It was him. Purely, devastatingly, him. This absolutely didn't happen to me. I wish it had. He'd have coped far better than I do.
My response to her was fairly gentle to start, I brushed off the pity, but actually got angry with her in the end as she insisted that I was the "poor soul" , and just pointed out this didn't happen to me, it happened to him, he lost, I am alive, so if you want to feel sorry for anyone, feel sorry for him, not me. My issue was not her words towards me, but her implication that this happened to me.
Her response was to tell me I'm ridiculous, and I should stop being a martyr (huh?) and that I should not be so unkind to someone trying to help. I still fail to see how she was helping me by trying to make me become the victim of all this. I am anything but a victim. Never have been, and never will. It's never been a mantel I was willing to bear.
Yes, I probably was unkind, but I just cannot accept that this happened to me, I don't feel it did. My job is hard now, living without him hurts, but I am living. He is not. Therefore again, hubby gets the trump card.
I wonder if I just got out of bed the wrong side that day. I feel truly riled by this conversation. Saying that, I truly do detest when people try to make me feel like I've got the rough end of the deal now, because I don't feel I have, and this stubborn determination is one of the things that stops me feeling sorry for myself, because I am alive. It makes me fight on because I have something my husband doesn't. I am not, never will and never have been a victim.
My husband fought through every single day for his life, and he was truly grateful for every day we had together. I have the privilege of living, I am the lucky one and I refuse to do the "oh woe is me". Abso bloody lutely not.
This didn't happen to me. I am just an unfortunate passenger in this car crash called grief.
Helping Others Understand
This will be a short one. Never treat us as victims.
Just be there, be present, be kind, and listen. It is the greatest gift you can offer anyone.