Those Dreaded Holidays

This might sound really bah humbug, but I can genuinely say I really hate holidays.

All of them.

New Years Day, Valentine's Day, Easter Weekend, every single bank holiday, Halloween, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day.

I hate them.


Two reasons.

My husband loved every single one of them.

He saw it as a chance for us to do something special together. We both hates Valentine's but went to do something silly together anyway.

It is because he loved them so much, that I have a deep hatred of them. Pretty strong words, but meant completely.

I can vividly remember our first Christmas together, we had made a list of presents we wanted to get for each other, we'd have to make one, one had to be bought from a charity shop, one to watch, one to read, one to listen, something edible, the list went on, but it just made the day so special. We'd make each other stockings for the morning, and we just had a whole day built around being together and appreciating life.

I keep getting told that I should be grateful I have some lovely memories, and I am, of course I am, but really, does that mean I can't feel sad too? Those memories are now starting to be so far in the past, that they almost don't feel real any more :(

The other reason I hate these days, is quite awful. I hate seeing everyone so happy, when I just feel such a sense of loss and loneliness. I've never known pain like it. It hurts in my tummy, and my heart just feels so heavy. The world feels so dark and empty, and seeing their happiness reminds me of the gut wrenching feeling of being alone and lonely.

I hate it. I know that's unkind, because the world should be full of love and happiness, but these times of years just trigger the worst in me.

I have found some coping mechanisms over the years, I've stayed in bed and slept through them, or have a DVD day, I've refused to "do" Christmas or New Year, which didn't go down well, but did afford me the space to not have to go and put a happy mask on just because everyone felt I ought to.

The mask was something I fell foul of many times in the early days, and it was this that made my grief journey so difficult, because I successfully hid the pain behind a smile. Everyone kept telling me how brave and strong I was, because I hid my true feelings, as this is what they grew to expect. Any down days were met with a "oh, but you were doing so well, what happened?", followed by the famous head tilt. Ugh. Stop.

So yes, I am not a fan of those holidays.

I am blessed and grateful, but also sad because he is sorely missed and his absence is deeply felt, body, mind and soul.

Love you always

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