Time to Say Goodbye?

I can honestly say I've never said goodbye. It's always been a very conscious decision.

On the day he died, when I left him in the hospital room, I refused to say goodbye.

The funeral director suggested I came to say goodbye to him before the funeral, and I just couldn't. I really didn't want to.

The funeral was not a goodbye.

I often worry that I'm not properly letting go, but I don't think I can say goodbye to him. It's always felt like a type of closure I'm not ready to accept.

Goodbye just feels and sounds so final. When you say goodbye to someone, it's usually followed up with a "see you soon", or something. There was no "see you soon" for us, and it felt wrong, so I never said it.

Do I have to say goodbye? Can't I just keep him here with me? He's tucked inside my heart in hundreds of memories, so has he even gone? Is goodbye necessary when you don't feel that they're truly absent?

I truly feel him with me. Not all the time, but I find myself talking to myself a lot, having conversations aloud with myself, asking him questions, for advice, for help, for support, and I know what he'd say, so I answer my own questions with the words he would have spoken.

Don't get me wrong, I feel his absence hugely, I guess I have just tried to find ways to keep him close, in my heart, and in my memories.

I also write a lot. I've always been a scribbler. I've written my inner most thoughts and feelings down since a young age, and since the death of my husband, I've found myself writing to him, telling him things I wish I'd had the chance to say before he died. Letters of anger, sadness, pain, guilt, desperation, he's had them all, the whole emotive spectrum, and it just helps. It's always been part of my grieving process, I just didn't realise it at the time.

I think we all deal with it so differently, and I think writing has been my coping mechanism. I've been able to write the things I can't say out loud, and to help process the feelings and thoughts that just didn't make sense at the time.

I will never say goodbye, because I don't feel I need to. He is here, always, in my heart.

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