What Is In A Name?

So, I have a question for you. I've had a small number of PM's so far asking about my choice of calling the page "The Reluctant Widow". Mostly inquisitive, but today had one from a follower who had contact from one of their friends who felt it was odd that I had to state I was a reluctant widow, as surely no one was widowed unreluctantly? (if there is such a word).

Yes. True. Good point.

However, I guess my use of the word reluctant refers less to my being a widow, because of course I don't want to be - I didn't run forward and say " oh yes please, make me a widow". It refers more to my desire to not be shaped, or defined by it.

Does that make my choice of name odd?

Becoming a widow devastated me. It made me question whether I wanted a life anymore, and when I realised I did, and when I realised how blessed I was to be ABLE to carry on, when his life has been so cruelly stopped, it gave me a strong, steely determination to carry on.

It made me ensure that I found myself - the new independent me, not through choice, but by the situation I'd found myself in, and to make sure I was the best version of myself I could be. Not the wife, or the widow, but the strong, determined, brave, courageous woman I'd proved myself to be over the days, weeks and months since he died.

I am her. I have off days, but mostly, I am filled with fire to make that life AMAZING, and to make it count. For me, and for him, but mostly for me. I no longer tick the boxes to say I'm a widow, I don't wear my wedding rings, I don't call myself Mrs. Not through any disrespect, because I remember my beautiful boy in my heart, and that's the only place he needs to be, I carry him with me always in memory.

Instead, I am just me. I am still the woman he loved and married, just so much stronger, and I have many reasons to carry on my life, being strong, keeping him in my heart, but forging a path ever onwards that only I can follow.

I feel like I am rambling now, so I will stop, but I think what I'm trying to say, is, my choice of name is no reflection on even suggesting any of us CHOSE this destiny, of being a widow. Instead, it's about me choosing MY destiny of being me, the strong woman who has dealt with all the crap that being widowed fires your way, and I have survived, despite all of it.

I've not read this back, so if it doesn't make sense, a million apologies, like all of my posts, they just fall off my tongue and I don't have any control over the words, they're just little rambles.

No offence was ever intended with the name choice, and I hope you all understand why I chose this. I stand by my name choice :)

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