I think it just becomes one of those things people say to you.
"You're amazing, I don't know how you do it, you are so strong", they say.
Right. You're aware he died, right? You're aware this wasn't a choice? So do tell me, what other options did you foresee other than survival, being strong and just getting on with things? Really, what's the alternative?
That's what I'm thinking, but I say nothing.
The words they utter make me sigh deeply inside, and I either smile sadly or just reply, well, yeah, it is what it is.....
I don't really have a reply for them that is helpful, my inside voice is angry with them for such a stupid statement, and the kind empathetic person in me is telling me they're trying to acknowledge that they see me as a strong person, they see me struggle to cope with life after grief, yet I get through it.
Getting through it is the only choice we have. That's the thought that I always hold on to on my darkest of days, when I'm feeling low. Survival is the only option.
I always remember a friend asking me had I ever thought of taking my own life. Yes, of course, the thought had crossed my mind, but I know I couldn't. My parents would be devastated and I couldn't leave them with the pain of loss that I was feeling. I'd never put anyone through that, so here I am. Still standing strong, still surviving and still heading ever onwards, despite the tidal wave that is grief trying to knock me off track.We survive, we're amazing, even though we don't always see it or feel it.
Plus, I want to live. I want to live the life he would have wanted for me. I owe that to us both to do this, to keep on living, to find happiness and joy in life, and all that life has to offer. Life is a blessing. His life was cruelly stolen, and now, I have to live life for us both.
We survive through necessity, and we use the strength we found in the process of our sadness and loss to keep us going.
To all those who have loved and lost, I send love to you all.